j.k. leopold entry (June 1934)

From my J.K. Leopold diary...

The other day I visited father for his birthday. We planned to play boche' ball and whilst I was retrieving the equipment from his closet, he hovered like a mother hen, nitpicking the trivial. "dont take the balls out of the bag!", "careful with that!", "don't touch that, put it back." he whined. He reminded me of his bitter sister.

It is an irritible heart in him that i posess as well. Only mine is directed at him.

Last Thursday, he met my wife and I for lunch at the local cafe'. I was excited for another chance. another chance to connect with this kind man and yes there is a definite kindness to him. A meekness and gentleness I don't posess.

I tried so hard to connect with him, but to no avail. His talk was always self-focused. When I talked to him, his eyes and attention were fixated on his food. I thought as I talked to him, "He would look exactly the same eating that food, if no one was talking to him." As my wife tried to make small talk, he couldnt hide his boredom, looking around the room, ignoring most of what she said.

Perhaps what stings the most is it all highlights to me that he seems not to know how short life is. He has doubtless a few short good years ahead of him. I want to cry. I want to tell him to live! live! I want him to connect to others. I want him to connect to me.

I talked to him about his dream of flying in a hot air balloon. He talked of doing it one day, not realizing that the day may be here and is probably long gone. I know I know that I shall grieve for him terribly when he passes, because I grieve for him terribly right now.