redneck: 121, me: 1

i have a neighbor who epitomizes the stereotypical male ideal. he is a stocky & short man. he has a big beer gut and a scruffy beard. he wears a camouflage hat and smokes Marlboros. he does not exercise. that is for sissies. the only exercise he does is to mow his own lawn, while smoking. Whether its 20 degrees or 90 degrees, he will often be seen standing in his front yard, smoking, shirtless, wearing only jeans, boots and his camouflage hat. he does not give one shit what you think of him. he is the manly ideal.

for whatever reason, probably something sordid and Freudian, i am always finding myself doing something sissified or effeminate only to look up and find him standing there in his front yard, beer in one hand cig in the other, looking at me.

like i'll be going out to check the mail, i'll be listening to my ipod and singing wham's careless whisper while swaying my body to the song. then as i get my mail and start back up the driveway, i'll see him getting into his truck (oh, did i forget to mention he has a truck?). and i'll think, "oh shit, he probably heard me singing this gay song?!".

or like the time i was putting clothes from the washer to the dryer, which is clearly a job for women. i have a pair of my underwear in my hands with a noteworthy skidmark. i start spraying the skidmak with stain-b-gone. when i look up i see he is watching the whole effeminate event from his driveway. i am humiliated.

oh yeah, oh yeah! then there was the time i was in the backyard talking baby talk to my puppy. "thats a good boy, you skunkle, munkle, punkles, you did peepee like a good boy didnt you? you know daddy loves you dont you?? you do, i know you do?!" then i have this sick sense that someone is watching me. i look up and over in my neighbor's back yard stands the male archetype smoking a cig and cooking deer meat on his grill. he saw my horrid behavior. i could have just died i tell you (wait! that last sentence sounds a lil gay).

this kind of thing has happened with me and my neighbor 121 times over the last ten years or so.

but today i was the comeback kid.

i go into the back yard to yell at the dog, he sheepishly listens with tail between his legs. i look up and what do i see?

my neighbor, is checking the coverings on his plants to make sure they survive the freeze (strike one), while wearing what appeared to be a cushy brand new effeminate looking robe!

i look at him but do not smile. then i update my mental scoreboard.

redneck: 121, me: 1