weighing costs of odd jobs

men tend to know the costs of household maintenance. when i say "costs", i dont mean financial costs. no i mean costs to ones personhood. ones ego. ones soul. the job is never what it seems. never. it may start easy enough but halfway into it you will find a screw rusted to a beam or a widget that just wont come undone or a missing nut. beyond that, you may not be able to fix it and this is the worst. to start a job only to admit defeat halfway through it taxes your ego and your soul.

my wife does not nag, typically, but she will speak about things that need to be fixed. like "the water faucet handle it partially broken off". i agree to this observation but knowing there will be a cost, i add nothing more. then a week later she'll mention it again. i still say nothing. i know there will be a cost. then she'll mention that while im at the store i might want to pick up a new handle. i defer to another time. or feign forgetting.

at this point she pulls out the big guns. "maybe we should call a plumber to fix the handle". its a very sneaky ploy. she knows i have a cost i my head and at this point she has levied costs that trumph a potential cost to my ego.


i go and buy the handle. i unscrew the screw holding in the old one. "so far so good i think". i pull on the old handle to remove it. its stuck. shit. i spray it with oil. still stuck. ah i see. now i see the cost. its almost a relief because i knew it was there only now i see it. the cost has reared its ugly head.

i use brute force and pull on the old handle and it breaks off into my hand. a piece of the copper sticks into my finger. blood is dripping. i wedge a screwdriver behind it and force the beast off. without attending to the finger i put the new handle on and screw it in. the cost is evident now. blood dripping from my hand. it feels good because its less costly than having failed or been unable to fix it. that is the most costly.

for history's sake

ive always had a keen sense of history. no, not like sensing world history but sensing my own history. it turns out not everyone is aware of the passing of time the way i am. in fact, it seems, some people stumble-bum through life never really cognizant of their past, present and future.

but not i!
why, it is practically a mutant gift i have. you know, this sensing of time.
maybe a few examples are in order:

when i was 4 i discovered that smokey the bear had died. i quickly realized that this meant i would die and more importantly that my parents would one day die. i ran to my mom in tears over this painful discovery.

when i was 7 i remember being melancholy at my birthday realizing i would only be 7 this once. that it would all be a memory one day.

when i was 13 remember being depressed when driving home from a family vacation. i remember feeling that i would never be a kid again nor enjoy the innocence of childhood again. adulthood was near and i knew it.

today its somewhat different. im still very cognizant of the passing of time but rather than being down about it, i try to use it to my advantage. i do the things i want to do now, because now is passing quickly. i say the things i want to say. befriend those i want as friends. disregard those i dont.

i guess when you realize how short life is you can get sad or get busy.

standing up and stood up

he and i were stood up by the trainer. we were supposed to train but the trainer did not show. i attributed it to his foolish and careless youthfulness. later in the day i came to find out i stood up her. her being one i barely knew but we did have an appointment and i missed it. how could i have forgotten? laziness and distractability in all likelihood. Later in the day still, my friend and i were stood up by they, the other friends. the excuses: ones dog swallowed a tampon, another overslept, two others left no word.

coincidences like these point to meaning beyond what coincidences can bring.

i surmise the lesson as thus:

be forgiving when stood up. it may not have been on purpose or due to anything more than being falliable and human. to be hurt is over such is wasted emotion.
especially when you consider youve stood up as well as been stood up.

parasites

3/14/1911

I'd say probably 3 or 4 years ago my wife and i bought an antique cabinet to house my antique books. it has the wavy glass showing its age. i loved it.

then about a year late i noticed a bunch of little wood pellets inside of it. each just slightly bigger than a grain of sand. some parasitic critter was living in my beloved cabinet. i took out all my books, inspected them then sprayer insect killer into the cabinet. i hoped that did the trick. About a year later still and the little wood pellets are back. something is still there. gnawing at my cabinet then shitting out wood turds. the little f###er!

i've finally decided i cant have it. i have to get rid of the thing before this demon spreads and eats other beloved things in my life. or better yet, maybe i'll pack my bags and move to the fiji islands, leaving the little parasite to its own devices. who knows?

-J.K. Leopold