being the man

ive always hated the concept of leadership.

wait...wait...wait...come to think of it, that may not be true. in fact, when i was a kid i think i may have actually really liked it.

yeah, its coming back now, when i was about 10, i started a club or gang called the bandits we had t-shirts and we were always hazing ourselves through a variety of increasingly difficult tasks. wed earn rank by doing these daring feats. like climb to the top of a 30 ft tall baseball diamond fence, or run to the end of a be-jungled (sic) ditch and touch the fence at the end, or i forget what else. but anyways, i loved being the leader of this lil gang. i was the boss and i loved it.

the problem was it was too small. it consisted of my brother, a neighbor kid and me. i remember wanting to expand the group so as to expand the bounds of my leadership. my ego was hungry for more power. i asked a black kid, who was a couple of years older than me, if he wanted to join our gang. i'll never forget what he said, he said, "yeah, i'll join but only if i get to be the leader". i felt like the rich young ruler must have felt. i was like, "uh, but im the leader". he was like, "well thats the deal, i'll join but i get to be the leader". i dont think i even answered him, i just turned walked away, (again, you know, like the rich young ruler).

so, i guess back then, i must have really liked the concept of leadership. particularly the ego-feeding part of it. i think thats what attracts most people to it. in essence youre saying im in some way better than you, you, and you. and of course thats not really so. also theres all the work and heartache. you always feel like a dill-hole telling people what they should know. people will always challenge you and talk behind your back and think of ways to derail you and your plan. also people always want to think they could do better. its just a pain. the lure of getting your ego fed is usually replaced by the reality of getting your ego trounced.

its got to be a pain to be God sometimes, all the atheists (and theists sometimes) thinking they could do it better.

the dual self

i can be obnoxious, gregarious, funny, mean, and generally extroverted around family and old friends. around strangers and new friends im quiet, nice, awkward, gentle and generally introverted.

which is the real me?

am i really the obnoxious chap who puts on a nice face so as not to run new people away too quickly? or am i really the quiet chap who puts on a loud front around family so as to be something more than i really am?