alterations to desire

i used to hate harley davidsons. i thought looked stupid. especially those with the solo bicycle looking seats. worse still were those with the big buddy seats. old chopped harleys, ugh i thought. so corny and unsporty.

crotch rockets were the definition of cool. fast and furious.

then some year, month or day, it just switched. the uniqueness...the kind of simple quaint ugliness of harleys caught my eye. the cornier, uglier, and simpler, the better. now crotch rockets look like childrens toys to me. kind of cool still, but very un-unique. very dime a dozen.

so why the change? am i unique in this? no. current culture is on the same track. back in the day harleys were the derogatory hogs and crotch rockets were the new it. now its reversed. maybe im just a part of some collective unconscious. or maybe im just getting old and slower seems better. when were young we want to race to the end, as we get older we want it to slow down a bit.

a tale of cowadice

my brother and i were adolescents. we were going to visit our grandmother. she lived in some slummy apartment. i dont know were our parents were but they werent walking with us. it was dark and as we approached the apartment a doberman pincher came running out to us, barking, growling with teeth barred.

instantly and without hesitation, i grabbed my younger brother and positioned him between me and the dog.

thankfully the dog was called back by its owner and no damage was done. at least no physical damage. my brother looked at me and said something to the effect of, "you pushed me towards the dog". i laughed but deep down was pained by the whole event. this is not how i envisioned myself. this was not me. i was a hero, a defender of the weak, a family loyalist, not a coward who would throw family to the wolves to save his own skin. Jeez! For the love of...that memory has been right there on the backburner of my mind for a long time. courage requires higher functioning. at that moment i simply reacted with a cognitive-free reaction, like an animal. it is the inserted soul or underdeveloped soul that was over-ridden by survival instinct. with this awareness, i have tried to guard against allowing that terrible instinct to over-ride the soul. thought and cognition are the souls voice. reaction and survival instinct, just a protective feature of this continually dying body.